My Childhood.

As a child, when I thought of the future, all I could see was black. No, I wasn't unhappy or depressed. To some, I was considered rather as a convivial boy, as blissful playing with my posse of male friends in elementary school as I was when I would occasionally take a day by myself doing stuff that would enlighten and ignite the all-spark within me. 

But when the thought of the distant future surged into my head, of what I would accomplish and become as an adult, there was a vacant. I just didn't know how I would subsist, where would I live, and with who could I live with. I knew one thing and one thing only as a boy in his phalanx of pubescence: I couldn't be like my dad. He’s an awesome guy. A really great man in short. For some degenerate reason, I felt I couldn't even have a beautiful marriage like my parents.

It's hard to convey what that feeling does to a child. In retrospect, it was a sharp, dislodge wound to the psyche. 

My female friend vividly crystallized it in typical and slightly spiteful fashion: "You're not the marrying kind," she said. It struck a chord of such pain; my pride forced me to embrace it. "No, I guess I'm not. I mean I like the way I lived. I like the freedom that I have right now. Not to have any commitment and all,"

This wasn't a made up lie and it was more than just an excuse, it is a dodge, and I very well knew it.

Marriage, to some, is the most happiest day of your life. It is for a reason of course. Getting married is often the axis on which every family generation swings open. It is like the modified piece that is engraved onto the chest plates on the Iron Man’s circular centerpiece (nerd talk). In English, it’s very crucial. In my small-town life, it was more important than wealth, career and even fame.

And I could see my friend's point: the very lack of any dating or interest in it, the absence of any intimate relationships or any normal teenage behavior did indeed make me seem just a classic loner. But I wasn't. Because nobody is. 

In everyone there sleeps  
a sense of life lived according to love.
                                     -Phillip Larkin

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But I think I have a BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. So, like usual if there's any comment at all please feel free to comment.